Difficult images

I would love to write that things are looking up, but unfortunately I can't. I wrote about the chest x-rays we had done on Calvin last week here but I just got copies of the actual images and thought I would share them, for those of us that are more visual. There are little black pockets on the lower right hand side of the x-ray from 8/18, that are pockets of infection.

x-ray from 8/9/13

x-ray from 8/18/13 showing swollen stomach, infection and very little space in his lungs. No wonder he cant breathe. 

I wanted to see these images because I felt like I needed a visual confirmation of what was happening inside his little body. It was, and still is, extremely difficult for me to look at these, but it gives me some peace in knowing that we have done the right things for him. I have been having extreme mommy guilt about the fact that I had to stop feeding him (he has had ZERO formula for 4 1/2 days now) but seeing the second image that shows how swollen his stomach is and how little space his lungs have, confirmed to me that stopping his feeds was the right choice. His body is not processing fluids (his diapers are almost always dry and he is having no bowel movements) and feeding him was only causing him more pain and discomfort; I know that now based on these images and that gives me a tiny bit of peace. I wish there was more I could do for him, but I don't think that there is anything that we haven't already tried.

I weighed Calvin on 8/15/13 and he weighed 18.4 lbs. I gave him a nice bath and weighed him last night (8/21/13) and he is down to 17.4 lbs. Today his fever is back (100.9) and he looks very pale and blueish. His nurse has told me that the fever is the process of his body shutting down. So...I fear that it's only a matter of time now. This boy is a fighter, for sure, but at this point I'm not sure how or why he is still hanging on.

Thank you all for the continued love and prayers- it means more to me and my family than we can ever express. Please just continue to pray that my baby will have a safe journey home and that he will no longer be suffering and in pain.