More bad news...

This morning, August 18, 2013, we took Calvin to the hospital to have a follow up chest X-ray done to check and see if the pneumonia was gone and to see how much fluid he still had in his lungs. We knew, based on listening to labored breathing and by listening his lungs with a stethoscope that he still had some fluid in there, but we wanted to see how much and where it was. Results from the x-ray show that the pneumonia is worsening and is now moving into the right lung (it had previously just been in the lower left lobe.) It also showed that his stomach is distended (enlarged from internal pressure) which means that his body is not processing the fluids (medication and tiny bits of formula that I've been giving him. We started him on another antibiotic today to see if that helps the pneumonia and have gotten him a nebulizer machine to give him Albuterol treatments try and help break up the congestion in his chest. I also have to space out giving him his medications to every 2 hours instead of 4, and stop the formula altogether. 

Obviously none of this is good news. Unfortunately, I don't think there's really anything else that we can do for him now....it's all up to him. I just think his little body is slowly shutting down..he's tired. Over the last few days I've noticed that he's been having increased periods of apnea, where he stops breathing for a few seconds at a time, only to finally gasp and try and catch his breath when he comes back. Tonight, he had several longer periods of apnea...one in particular where Ryan and I both just looked at each other and knew that we were both thinking and fearing the worst...neither of us said a word, but I know we both thought that was the end.

Today was a hard day, in so many ways. Driving through cemeteries today was heart-wrenching. How does one begin to make a decision on where to bury their baby? How do I pick the perfect place for him to rest, and eventually for me and his father to rest with him? Is this place quiet enough? Is this somewhere I want to go to visit my son for the rest of my life? How do we pick the right headstone? What design would we choose? Do we bury him, or cremate him? How are we going to pay for it? Will we have to get a loan to pay off a 3-piece headstone/marker for us? How long will we be paying for that? Why do we have to make these decisions? We shouldn't have to think about all this. No one should. It sucks.

I'm sitting here next to him right now listening to his hard, labored breathing and watching him struggle to get enough oxygen into his chest and just praying that he is not in pain. I hope that he is not suffering and I hope he knows how much we love him. Most people won't understand this, and no one should have to, but today I told my baby boy that if he needed to and if he was ready, he could let go....that we would be okay, someday...somehow. I don't know exactly how we're supposed to make it through this in one piece, but I do know that we don't have any other choice, unfortunately. I know that when my baby boy leaves us, he will no longer be suffering, and he will be in a better place. I'm not a very religious person, but I do believe that he will be with my family members that have passed and they will care for him better than his father and I ever could. I will miss him with every fiber of my being, until the day that I die, but I know someday we will be together again and it will be perfect. I hope that where ever he goes, he can be a "normal" baby that walks and talks and doesn't have seizures and neurological delays and I hope that he stays with us and watches over his brother and sister. I hope he knows that we did everything we could for him and we love him more than words can describe. I hope he knows that his brother absolutely adores him and misses him even when he is sitting right next to him. I wish he could meet his baby sister and I hope that he had a good life while he was with us, despite the hardships he has endured.